When I was a youngster learning English, I wasn’t always clear on the meaning of words. In a business establishment, I noticed a sign Off-ice, and wondered if this place was warmer or colder than an ice house. My dad drove a Ply-mouth, and I wondered what eating had to do with automobiles. As an adult, I learned to appreciate the application of words to unexpected meanings.

  • Abdicate — Give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach — [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Acute Care — Having an attractive nurse [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 August 2014]
  • Agnostic — One who knows a lot about agriculture [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
  • Air Brakes — How a bird makes a soft landing [Frank Ball, 28 July 2011]
  • Air Brakes — What Michael Phelps takes between strokes [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 July 2011]
  • Alliteration — A country with nowhere to put its trash [Frank Ball, 9 June 2011]
  • Antimatter — The wife of Uncle Matter [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise & Lance Aldrich, 3 June 2012]
  • Apologetics — The ongoing need to say we’re sorry [Frank Ball, 8 November 2014]
  • Appeal — What’s left after you eat abbanana [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 12 April 2011]
  • Appeal — What you don’t want to step on after eating a banana [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
  • Arbitrator — Arby’s employee who goes to work for a competitor [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
  • Archenemy — Flat feet [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 31 March 2014]
  • Asphalt — The donkey is to blame [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 20 February 2010]
  • Assonance — Speech that is unbecoming to a donkey [Frank Ball, 7 March 2011]
  • Asteroids — A painful posterior relieved by Preparation A [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
  • Autobiography — The life history of two cars [Frank Ball, 14 August 2015]
  • Avoidable — What people do at the Running of the Bulls [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
  • Avoidable — How to survive a bullfight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 July 2013]
  • Axiomatic — A machine that chops down trees all by itself [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 12 December 2010]
  • Babbling Brook — What Brook becomes after her second glass of wine [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 26 January 2013]
  • Balderdash — A rapidly receding hairline [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Bamboozle — The sound a boozle makes when it explodes [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 May 2016]
  • Barbarism — Getting my hair cut against my will [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 6 May 2010]
  • Barcode — If somebody buys you a drink, buy them one too [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 7 June 2014]
  • Barnstorm — When clouds form in the silo [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 October 2012]
  • Base Metal — What John Paul Jones uses to restring his instruments [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 August 2011]
  • Behind — The posterior of honey-makers [Frank Ball, 29 October 2011]
  • Benign — What you are after you be eight [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 18 February 2010]
  • Black Hole — What is left after eating a chocolate donut [Frank Ball, 12 March 2016]
  • Bluetooth — Condition that occurs when your dentist attempts to answer the cell phone during a routine filling [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 January 2010]
  • Brief Case — Code name for the boxer rebellion [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 19 July 2014]
  • Broadcast — An all-female theater production [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 February 2013]
  • Brussels Sprouts — Belgian kindergarteners [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 May 2010]
  • Buckshot — Rudolph’s preferred libation [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 December 2011]
  • Bulldozer — Matador with a tranquilizer gun [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 11 January 2011]
  • Burglarize — What a crook must use to decide what to steal [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
  • Butter — A habitual contrarian [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 November 2012]
  • Byproduct — A manufacturer’s desperate plea to customers [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 April 2013]
  • Caesarean Section — The neighborhood around the emperor’s palace [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 9 June 2012]
  • Camelot — Where one must go to purchase a used dromedary [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 20 September 2002]
  • Campaign Promise — Something that repeats itself every four years [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 September 2012]
  • Canned Ham — Actor fired for overplaying his part [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 31 October 2013]
  • Capital Punishment — Texting in all lower case [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
  • Cardboard — The group that makes decisions about poker rules [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 June 2011]
  • Cardio — Exercise while walking to and from your car [Frank Ball, 16 May, 2016]
  • Carpe Diem — Fish of the Day [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 8 October 2010]
  • Carpool — Facility for drive-in sunbathing [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
  • Cartoons — Road trip playlist [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 12 July 2014]
  • Chili Dog — A Mexican hairless on an Alaskan vacation [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 June 2012]
  • Chiropractors — People who live in the city near the pyramids [The Middletons by Ralph Dunagin and Dana Summers, 14 May 2011]
  • Circumvent — An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Claustrophobic — Someone with a paranoid fear of bearded men in red suits [Frank Ball, 25 December 2010]
  • Cloud Computing — Using your laptop on an airplane [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 June 2013]
  • Club Sandwich — Food for members only [Frank Ball, 23 October 2010]
  • Cluster Bomb — Re-release of all six Rocky movies in 3-D [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 May 2013]
  • Coat of Arms — A millipede’s fall attire [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 November 2015]
  • Coffee — The person upon whom one coughs [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Cold Cuts — Ice hockey tryouts [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 1 December 2012]
  • Conjunctivitis — An irrational fear of words like “and,” “or,” and “but” [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 23 April 2013]
  • Conscience — What hurts when everything else feels great [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 July 2012]
  • Console — Fish special at Southeast County Penitentiary [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 23 March 2013]
  • Contest — A parole hearing [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 January 2009]
  • Control Freak — One who uses four remotes to get one good show on TV [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
  • Cornish — Kinda like corn, but not quite [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 23 October 2010]
  • Correction Facility — Where journalism students learn to do editing [Frank Ball, 5 January 2015]
  • Countdown — When nothing seems to add up [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 10 March 2013]
  • Counter Intelligence — What is gained by going to the Information Desk [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 11 November 2013]
  • Counterfeiter — Kitchen granite installer [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
  • Country Bumpkin — What farmers attach to the front of their tractors to absorb crashes [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 20 January 2014]
  • Crankcase — A lawsuit for no apparent reason [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 14 June 2010]
  • Critical Mass — A hell-fire-and-brimstone church service [Frank Ball, 25 January 2013]
  • Cross Training — Management by intimidation [Frank Ball, 27 January 2013]
  • Crossing the Line — A good way to get slapped by an adjacent fisherman [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 June 2014]
  • Cuisine — Tests in booklet form [Frank Ball, 3 February 2011]
  • Cursive — Manner of speaking when very angry [Frank Ball, 14 August 2015]
  • Damnation — A principality sustained by hydroelectric power [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 6 October 2010]
  • Deadline — Obituary blurb [Frank Ball, 7 May 2016]
  • Debate — De essential part of de fishing line [Frank Ball, 19 February 2016]
  • Defaced — Banned from Facebook [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 October 2015]
  • Defeat — Where de shoes go [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 December 2014]
  • Delay — Past-tense form of de-lie [Frank Ball, 26 May 2012]
  • Demystify — Use the intermittent setting on your windshield wipers [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 05 February 2011]
  • Denial — Where pharaoh’s daughter found debaby Moses [Frank Ball, 17 May 2011]
  • Disdain — A spot that won’t come out with just soap and water [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 27 October 2010]
  • Divining Rod — A device used to locate holy water [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 16 April 2011]
  • Dogmatic — When your mutt barks at anything that moves [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 January 2012]
  • Dormant — An insect whose diet consists of Ramen noodles and Fritos [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 August 2010]
  • Double Jeopardy — Renewing marriage vows [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 30 May 2013]
  • Downsizing — How you measure goose feathers [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 17 December 2010]
  • Dromedary — Milk cows booked for a Chick-Fil-A commercial [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
  • Dry Spell — Harry Potter’s hangover cure [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 August 2010]
  • Dumbstruck — A guy who installs his trampoline under a ceiling fan [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 September 2009]
  • Dyspepsia — Ability to read the letters on a Pepsi can backward [One Big Happy by Rick Detorie, 22 August 2009]
  • Egypt — When you get ripped off online [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 26 November, 2011]
  • Electricity — Metro area where a politician announces his or her candidacy [Frank Ball, 4 February 2013]
  • Elocution — Speaking as if one’s finger has touched a light socket [Frank Ball, 22 March 2013]
  • Emergency Contact — What ‘one-eyed Willy’ keeps under his eye patch [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 March 2011]
  • Eminent Domain — The Pope’s website [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 September 2013]
  • Eschew — What you do before you eswallow [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 22 December 2010]
  • Esplanade — To attempt an explanation while drunk [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Eternity — From now until Christmas [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 14 December 2012]
  • Eureka — What an Italian wife exclaims upon her husband’s return from a garlic festival [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 February 2009]
  • Executive Bank — How Air Force One makes a hard left [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 April 2014]
  • Executive Suite — Expensive candy [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 8 December 2012]
  • Explains — Where big cities now stand. [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 October 2011]
  • Fandango — What to do when Dango gets heat stroke. [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 12 January 2013]
  • Fast Food — What you can eat during Lent [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 25 February 2012]
  • Fibula — A little lie [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
  • Fiendish Plot — A vegetable garden comprised of only Brussels sprouts [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 18 January 2014]
  • Fixed Income — A handyman’s means of support [Frank Ball 27 October 2012]
  • Fixed Income — What a cheating bookie lives on [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 8 February 2014]
  • Flabbergasted — Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Flamethrowers — Chili food fight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 February 2013]
  • Flatulence — Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Frankincense — What Frankenstein had after he was given a brain. [Frank Ball, 16 November 2013]
  • Free Press — When your mom irons your trousers [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
  • Full Metal Jacket — C-3PO’s formal attire [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 May 2014]
  • Game Crossing — Going directly to jail, not allowed to pass “Go” and collect $200.00 [Frank Ball, 17 July 2014]
  • Gatorade — Social Security for alligators [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 25 March 2011]
  • Gettysburg — A toddler’s name for a spaghetti burger [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 September 2002]
  • Government Mandate — Going out with a congressman to dinner and a movie [Frank Ball, 14 November 2015]
  • Grand Opening — When the first bid is a thousand dollars [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 12 February 2012]
  • Happy Medium — A cordial psychic [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 28 August 2010]
  • Harry Potter — Unshaven ceramic artist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 November 2012]
  • Hebrew — A masculine beverage [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 November 2013]
  • Heirloom — Equipment of a fourth-generation weaver [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 October 2013]
  • Heroes — What a guy does when his motorboat conks out [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
  • High Roller — A painting device designed for use on ceilings [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 December 2015]
  • Hijack — The card that gets you two points in a game of cribbage [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 July 2011]
  • Hip Replacement — Canning the accordion player in favor of a jazz pianist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 January 2009]
  • Holiness — A characteristic of sponges and spider webs [Frank Ball, 9 May 2013]
  • Holy Roller — Bagel maker [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 19 January 2013]
  • Hootenanny — Child care for young owls [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 October 2015]
  • Hospital Gown — Formalwear for nurses [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 22 January 2011]
  • Hot Dog Stand — What wieners do when they can’t find a seat [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
  • Illegal — Sad news flash from the aviary [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 9 January 2009]
  • Illiterate — Someone who’s sick of reading [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 February 2012]
  • Impeccable — Chicken proof [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 13 July 2013]
  • Incarnation – Living in a country where driving trucks is culturally unacceptable [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
  • Indian Summer — Tech report season [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 March 2013]
  • Innuendo — Spanish name for Preparation H [Frank Ball, 4 March 2015]
  • Intent — Where campers sleep [Frank Ball, 27 January 2013]
  • Irony — The physical composition of exercise equipment [Frank Ball, 13 January 2014]
  • Jackpot — What Jack claims is strictly for medicinal purposes [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 18 August 2012]
  • Kick — The final activity on one’s bucket list [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 22 July 2014]
  • Lapsing — What happens when a child in Mom’s lap hears a lullaby [Frank Ball, 21 July 2011]
  • Last Man Standing — Politically correct term for the kid who really stinks at Musical Chairs [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 9 March 2015]
  • Last Will and Testament — Dead giveaway [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 22 February 2012]
  • Lasting Impression — What Wile E. Coyote leaves on the floor of any given canyon [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 November 2014]
  • Late Bloomers —Back-ordered undergarments [Frank and Ernest, 24 January 2011]
  • Laughing Gas — What might be worth fracking for [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 November 2012]
  • Lemonade — Citrus orchard caretaker [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
  • Liability — Unique talent in using deceptive words [Frank Ball, 28 June 2014]
  • Liability — The measure of how good a liar a person is [Born Loser by Art Sansom, 4 April 2013]
  • Lip Service — Regular Botox injections [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 6 October 2012]
  • Light Year — A twelve-month period when one’s diet actually worked [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
  • Listless — The way most guys go grocery shopping [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 21 June 2010]
  • Loan Sharks — A visiting exhibit at the aquarium [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 March 2012]
  • Logarithm — What a composer does with the percussion parts [Frank Ball, 11 April 2012]
  • Loose Ends — Free agent football players [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 11 February 2012]
  • Lymph — To walk with a lisp [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Macro Economics — Required class prior to interning at Kraft [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 13 October 2012]
  • Malady — A catchy tune that’s gone bad [Frank Ball, 18 March 2016]
  • Mandate — Two guys watching sports [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 21 April 2012]
  • Mandatory Retirement — When Mom and Dad won’t let kids stay up at night [Frank Ball, 1 February 2013]
  • Mayhem — The monthly chaos that precedes Junehem [Lola by Todd Clark, 12 April 2011]
  • Mayhem — A dress cut that will only be in style till June first [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 May 2011]
  • Memory Block — A stroll around the old neighborhood [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 April 2013]
  • Metronome — A city dwarf [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 February 2011]
  • Microsoft — Mini marshmallow [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 May 2012]
  • Milk Duds — Uncooperative dairy cows [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
  • Minimum — Small British woman [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 October 2011]
  • Monkey — How you unlock a monastery [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 September 2011]
  • Mononucleosis — A disease half as bad as stereo nucleosis [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 27 April 2010]
  • Monroe Doctrine — Gentlemen prefer blondes [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 11 October 2013]
  • Moraine — Amazonian weather update [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 February 2010]
  • Moving Violation — Leaving without paying rent [Frank Ball, 19 January 2015]
  • Multitasking — Messing up several things at once [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 9 October 2010]
  • Negligent — Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing a nightgown [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Nitrate — Much cheaper than a day rate [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
  • No Outlet — Warning sign for the absence of any electrical socket [Frank Ball, 15 October 2013]
  • Nonagenarian — When no one can remember how old you are [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 February 2011]
  • Ontological — Sensible footwear [Frank Ball, 29 March 2012]
  • Ordeal — Sales special on boating supplies [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
  • Oxymoron — A really stupid ox [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 21 September 2012]
  • Pandemonium — A bear’s race to eat bamboo shoots [Frank Ball, 18 November 2010]
  • Paradox — What it takes to lift a patient from a stretcher [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 17 August 2013]
  • Paranoid Optimist — People who think everybody is out to get them something nice [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 28 May 2014]
  • Paranormal Activity — What couples usually do together [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
  • Parasites — Important stops when touring France [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
  • Parking — Guy with a perfect round of golf [Frank Ball, 11 February 2013]
  • Pasteurization – When the cows are left free to graze [Frank Ball, 20 March 2012]
  • Pasteurized — Ordained to be a minister [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 August 2011]
  • Pay as You Go — A coin-operated toilet [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 166)]
  • Peanut — An overzealous urologist [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 7 March 2010]
  • Peanut — A fanatical bean farmer [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 15 June 2010]
  • Pen Pal — Someone you liked while in the slammer [Frank Ball, 15 May 2013]
  • Perfect Pitch — Bestselling roofing tar [B.C. by John L. Hart FLP, 14 June 2011]
  • Periodic Table — Large dining area used during Thanksgiving and Christmas [Real Life Adventures by Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, 25 May 2011]
  • Pesticide — When a housefly makes a beeline into a ceiling fan [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 November 2014]
  • Pesto — An annoying Italian guy [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 27 December 2012]
  • Phlegmatic — An automatic nose blower [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 118)]
  • Pillage — Plunder of aspirin and vitamins [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 5 May 2014]
  • Pillory — A place that fills prescriptions [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 15 October 2010]
  • Plutonium — The Latin name of Mickey Mouse’s dog [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 9 September 2015]
  • Pokemon — Jamaican gumby’s best friend [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 1 February 2014]
  • Polarization — Territory of arctic bears [Frank Ball, 25 Novembers 2011]
  • Polarize — How arctic bears see where they are going [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
  • Polaroids — What Arctic bears get from sitting on ice too long [Frank Ball, 4 June 2014]
  • Pole Vault — An eastern European bank [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 1 June 2013]
  • Political Correctness — Doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end [Believed to be from Texas A&M University’s winner of definition award.]
  • Politically Correct Always having to say you’re sorry, even when you know you’re not — [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 18 December 2012]
  • Politics — Fleas with agendas [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 September 2012]
  • Polygon — A dead parrot [Herbert V. Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr, 5100 Quotations for Speakers & Writers (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1992), 163.] When your parrot flies the coop. — [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 14 January 2011]
  • Poop Deck — The kennel floor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 April 2010]
  • Pork Chop — A pig’s karate movement [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
  • Prepare — Blossom on a fruit tree [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 June 2013]
  • Pressure Wash — Cleaning the house before your mother-in-law visits [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 2 March 2013]
  • Prime Time — How Optimus addresses the crowd before the dance-off [B.C. by Mastroianni & Hart, 12 March 2013]
  • Program — Official stance of the national lobby for the metric system [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 24 April 2010]
  • Promising Career — The work of politicians [Frank Ball, 20 July 2012]
  • Rank and File — A manicurist with body odor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 10 March 2012]
  • Ransom — What participants in a marathon did [Frank Ball, 7 August 2015]
  • Rebate — Put another worm on the hook [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 27 March 2010]
  • Reboot — A second kick in the seat of the pants [Frank Ball, 15 January 2013]
  • Recall — What parents do with obstinate children [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 August 2015]
  • Recorder — Opposite of “wreak havoc” [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 29 October 2011]
  • Rectify — When a proctologist puts on a rubber glove[Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 3 October 2014]
  • Rectitude — The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists [Believed to be from a Washington Post contest]
  • Redundancy — An airbag in a politician’s car [Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 28 May 2013]
  • Relief — How trees signal the beginning of spring [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
  • Repair — Matching one sock with another [Frank Ball, 17 May 2012]
  • Repressing — What I do to my pants after a long bus ride [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 3 March 2010]
  • Resisting Arrest — What insomniacs are doing when they refuse to take a sleeping pill [Frank Ball, 19 June 2015]
  • Restitution — An institution that teaches you how to sleep[Shoe by Gary Brookins and Susie MacNelly, 20 October 2014]
  • Retail Price — The cost to repair the back of the plane [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 27 July 2013]
  • Rhodesia — When you can’t remember what road you’re on or why [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 171)]
  • Riptide — Detergent specially formulated for torn jeans [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 25 September 2010]
  • Rock Music — The sound workers make in a quarry [Frank Ball, 6 February 2013]
  • Rocking Chair — Seating for listening to 1950s music [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
  • Roller Derby — Competition for the fastest house painter [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 5 July 2011]
  • Rubberneck — How a man helps his girl relax [Frank Ball, 12 April 2013]
  • Scholarship — A research vessel [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 4 May 2013]
  • Scotchgard® — Friend who watches your drink while you go to the bathroom [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 March 2012]
  • Second in Command — Extremely short tenure [Frank Ball, 14 March 2016]
  • Secondhand Smoke — A Pawn shop on fire [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 31 May 2011]
  • Selfish — Mission statement of seafood stores [Frank Ball, 1 August 2013]
  • Shindig — An archaeologist’s search for leg bones [Frank Ball, 18 October 2010]
  • Shindig — A wife’s hidden kick beneath the table [Frank Ball, 1 February 2013]
  • Sink Hole — Where the plumber fastens the drain pipe [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 10 August 2013]
  • Smallpox — Little open areas in Boston [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 14 May 2012]
  • Solar Panel — A group of stars that judge the talents of other stars [Frank & Ernest by Thaves, 16 July 2013]
  • Sonic Boom — Sudden expansion of a fast-food chain [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 August 2014]
  • Sorghum — A dental hygienist’s legacy [Frank Ball, 9 October 2010]
  • Spin Doctor — Any physician who specializes in vertigo [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 31 August 2013]
  • Spiral — A blown spy cover gone viral [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 January 2014]
  • Spoiled Milk – What you get from pampered cows [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
  • Spyware — Appropriate attire for an agent during a covert operation [Frank Ball 30 May 2014]
  • Squatter’s Rights — When everyone is entitled to own an outhouse [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 3 March 2012]
  • Stage Fright — A cowardly act [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 11 May 2013]
  • State of Affairs — A government body with no laws against adultery [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 August 2014]
  • State of Denial — Political union of what was formerly the kingdom of the pharaoh [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 17 May 2011]
  • Status Quo — Latin for “the mess we’re in” [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 51)]
  • Stereotyped — A report handed in by Siamese twins [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 7 August 2010]
  • Stick — A boomerang that doesn’t work [Frank Ball, 4 March 2014]
  • Stiff Breeze — Draft in a funeral parlor [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 2 June 2012]
  • Stiff Competition — Two funeral homes next door to each other [Frank Ball, 6 August 2015]
  • Sudafed — Legal action taken against a US government official [Frank Ball, 1 July 2013]
  • Superfluous — The best of viruses that plague us [Frank Ball, 1 September 2013]
  • Superimpose — When an acquaintance asks to borrow your truck, then expects you to help him pack up and move [Frank Ball, 2 March 2013]
  • Surreptitiously — How maple trees add sweetness to pancakes [Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves, 24 April 2010]
  • Syntax — Consequence for not obeying God [Frank Ball, 13 November 2012]
  • Tastebud — How Willie Nelson grades his autumn harvest [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 24 May 2014]
  • Taxidermist — The skin of a cab driver [Herbert V. Prochnow & Herbert V. Prochnow Jr, 5100 Quotations for Speakers & Writers (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1992), 183.]
  • Tech Support — A cyborg’s undergarment [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 19 April 2011]
  • Terminal Velocity — How fast you can run when late for a flight [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 September 2015]
  • Terminology — The study of wood-eating insects [Frank Ball, 15 June 2011]
  • Termite — One who favors term limits for politicians [Shoe by Chris Cassatt & Gary Brookins, 29 November 2012]
  • Testicle — An enclosure for answering questions on an exam [Frank Ball, 5 April 2013]
  • Thesaurus — A large word-eating dinosaur [Frank Ball, 17 July 2014]
  • Thumb Drive — How hitchhikers get from one place to another
  • Timeshare — Five kids competing for their parents’ attention [B.C. by Johnny Hart, 8 September 2012]
  • Tireless Worker — A laid-off Goodyear employee [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 16 April 2016]
  • Toupee — An assumed mane [Frank and Ernest, 15 March 2011]
  • Toxic Dump Site — Baby changing station [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 23 February 2013]
  • Trailblazer — Formal junglewear [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 30 April 2013]
  • Trigonometry — A weapon of math destruction [Jeff MacNelly, 27 Years of Shoe (Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2004, 114)]
  • Two-Percent Milk — What’s left after 98 percent has been drunk [Frank Ball, 7 August 2015]
  • Understanding — What Australians have when they get up from the table [Frank Ball, 28 January 2013]
  • Varicose — Close by [Cartoon circulating on the Internet]
  • Ventriloquist — Silent partner [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 15 December 2012]
  • Vice President — The head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Gambling [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 5 July 2014]
  • Voucher — Someone cited as a work reference [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 7 September 2013]
  • Waffle Iron — Indecisive golf club [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 21 December 2013]
  • Zebra — Extra support for the horse-riding woman [B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart, 20 September 2014]